When In Doubts, Don't Get Married

A colleague once told me, "when in doubts, don't get married". Then, I passed it off as a general comment without feeling its weight. Now, after hearing tonnes of real-life accounts of problematic marriages, I can suddenly feel the bearing of the captioned phrase. No two individuals perceive everything in quite the same way. For lovers, differences in opinions have to be managed lest they could be played up in quarrels when both marry and live (not stay) together. These quarrels may lead to something worse, like an adultery and/or a divorce. Understanding the innate reasons and possible development behind/following these arguments would help couples prevent or mitigate conflicts while both live under the same roof. Below are some of these innate reasons and their potential flashpoints.

(1) Different values. For many years, usually since birth, the man and the woman had been inculcated with different sets of values comprising table manners, views on the balance between work, family & play, adherence to traditions etc. The couple may quarrel over issues like whether one should be quiet while eating, what makes a good spouse, what is an optimal work-family-play parity, what traditions should be maintained & what not etc. In an example inferred from a primary school textbook, if an Eskimo man were to marry a traditional English woman, he would be considered very rude to have belched after dinners. The couple may end in ultimatums over this dining etiquette.

(2) Different family practices. This could be a subset of para (1), or it could be a stand-alone. Practices as previously non-chalant as the way you fit the toilet roll (buck slip below or on top?), how to squeeze a tube of toothpaste (bottom, middle, random?), which cabinet to store what crockery (scientific management?) etc could spark arguments. The potential of developing varying degrees of displeasure over the partner's practices would depend on how strongly the previous families had scorned other practices. For e.g., a woman from an aesthetic family who differentiates crockery in design and colours in the cabinets would be disgruntled by her hubby's straight-face scientific storage of the same paraphernalias, in order, from the most frequently used to the least, in proximity to the wash basin, and vice versa.

(3) Different power relations at home. Power relations revolve around the person(s) with the commanding say in the family. In most families, they'd be the fathers. In others, they'd be the mothers, the elder brothers/sisters who're the sole breadwinners, the richer siblings who're the main income earners, the grandparents who're still kicking and domineering etc. The exposure to domination by different personalities are different. For e.g., a man who comes from a very grandpa-dominant family would be less receptive with a woman's persistence that her alpha-sister should sit with her grandparents-in-law, instead of her other siblings-in-law, in a family-heritage function.

The key to preventing or salvaging the above situations is for the couple to understand that when a man and a woman form a family of their own (for nucleus families only), they're forming another that is different from their previous. The new family would be one that embodies a different mixture of values, different consensual practices and a different power configuration. Receptivity to changes should be heightened. Obstination is a relationship killer in most marriages. Good couples give & take and harmonise on these differences. Rougher couples would take a longer time with a little commotion, but they still work things out. Incompatible couples grow from love to animosity and risk adultery and divorces.